Wednesday, July 24, 2013


I hate feeling jealous.  I have three super-tight girlfriends.  Two of them had their first babies within the last year.  The other one is due any day now.  Our relationships are strained.  I try to be a good friend, but it's painful every time we talk.  One new mom constantly tells me to enjoy my life without kids while I can.  Thanks for the insightful advice.  I am missing my close friendships and feeling rather lonely.

Kate Middleton just had the royal baby!!!  Everyone in my office is participating in a pool to guess what his name will be.  I'm royally jealous!  Not because she's beautiful.  Not because she's royalty.  I'm jealous because she's a regular woman who had a baby. 

It's been over a year since the first miscarriage and almost a year since the second miscarriage.  We're still using condoms.  I'm terrified of becoming pregnant again.  I've been undergoing accupuncture for four months but still insist on condoms.  I started up smoking again just so I have an excuse not to get pregnant.  How crazy is that?

My husband insists that we just had bad luck.  He won't discuss adoption.  I don't want to go through the terrible pain again.  It's weird, because I've never been scared of anything.  I'm adventurous and I take risks. 

Am I the only one who is terrified to try again?  How did you get the strength to try again?

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Seven months after my Second Miscarriage

It's been seven months since my second miscarriage.  I think I'm subconsciously waging war with my body, treating it as poorly as possible.  I have not made a healthy choice in seven months. 

I saw a specialist at UIC hospital where they are getting a recurrent pregnancy loss clinic up and running.  I had all of the tests done.  They all came back, "normal."  I was told to get back on the horse and my next pregnancy will involve progesterone supplements. 

I'm not physically or emotionally ready to try again, but the clock is a tickin...

I got a puppy and she brings me joy, but there is still a nagging emptiness.

I think I've only got one more try in me.  I hear stories about people who have had four, five, six miscarriages.  I don't know how they did it.  I don't think I'm that strong.

I need to prepare  my body for round three, and in the meantime, try to live a fulfilling life without a child.  I have a rafting trip in the Grand Canyon coming up.

I am going to use this blog to keep myself accountable to making healthy choices so that I may physically and emotionally heal from this experience.  No more spiraling into oblivion.  Whether my future holds a baby in my arms or not, I need to heal and love this vessel of a body, even if it can't carry a child.

The first step will be a healthy dinner tonight and some mild exercise.  I wrote it so I have to do it.  I hope this works.